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Rejected Character Hsio'xia'shen shima phoenix

Name: Hsio'xia'shen Shima Phoenix


General Information

Species: Lorath
Gender: Female
Age: 30

Family / Creators: Her mother Emiko twin sister sachi and father Hiroki.

Employer: Star Army of Yamatai
Occupation: Caretaker
Rank: Enlisted
Current Assignment: None


Physical Characteristics

Height: 5' 9''
Weight: 120 lbs
Measurements: 29, 20, 28
Bra Size: C

Build and Skin Colour: Decent build and pale skin.
Facial Features and Eye Colour: A cute face with a big smile. her eye color is bright almost lumenescent green.
Hair Colour and Style: Silvery white chopped short due to the lack of rank in her family. Bangs going acros one side of her face, just above the eye.

Distinguishing Features: How her eyes stand against her hair.


Psychological Characteristics

Personality:

Shima smiles and gives everybody a smile if she can. Although she does seem like she would never get angry, she can and when she does it's scary. Sachi does like to be stylish if she can but will wear anything that she can move around in. Shima isn't the type that would stay in their own little corner and think to themselves although she isnt the type to go to every party shes invited to. She enjoys being included in partys but gets tired after a while and wants to rest and be left alone. When listning to music her mood will ofen change to the type of music she listens to. If it's sad she will get sleepy or quiet, when its happy she's happy. When shima is too hot and has to cool down she will flap her wings to cool down.

Likes: Helping people, boosting peoples' morale, fruits perywinkle blue, being in a forest on a sunny day.
Dislikes: Using people to get what she wants, self absorbed people, and cruelty or bullying.
Goals: To be accepted by either the army or her family.


History

Shima's family is in the very lower class of the house phoenix. She had a twin named sachi who joined the army as a cook and died with the rest of the ships crew in the war. Shima and her sister were extremely close and shima was devastated when she heard the news. Believing it was the fault of the higher-ups in her house, she set free some of they're best slaves. she was immediately disgraced and had to leave her house and join the military. while still on her planet, Shima bonded with a lia, an medium sized animal that can run fast and long. lias have very sharp claws which incidentally ends up being very useful for doing surgery. lia's are a silver color and striped black with long pointed ears and a long bushy tail. she is part of the shaman family


Skills

Entertainment: Shima is fairly good at entertaining people if they feel down or otherwise. She is a good actor and even better singer. She can tell sorys and dance if need be as well.

Biology: Shima has received training in biology, mostly because she is from the shaman house and needs an education in biology. she can identify plants and animals, and understands genetics and other beings of life.

Physical : Shima can jump, swim, and run long distances quite well. She can run for a long time and if need be she can swim underwater for a length of time as well.

Mathematics:: Shima received basic mathematics training, to including up to algebra and trigonometry.

Technology Operation:: Shima is capable of operating any computer system that uses the Kessaku OS, found on all Star Army starships. She is proficient in entering and/or searching for information.

Fighting:: Shima received hand-to-hand combat training, followed up with a rigorous training program. She is skilled and experienced in combat both in Lor-like conditions and in zero-gravity, with and without weapons. Weapons she is trained in include energy pistols, knives, and power armor.

Communication: Shima is familiar with basic radio operation and procedures and can make transmissions to and receive transmissions from other characters through headsets, starships, power armor, and shuttles in both combat and non-combat conditions. Your character is fluent in Lorathian. She can speak and write both correctly and efficiently and can write reports, fill forms, issue orders under fire, etc.


OOC Notes

(Do I have to know the basic rules of the house of Phoenix to play? If so please tell me! javascript:emoticon(';)')) ( Also i'm really sorry, I'm not very good at spelling so just try to understand it best you can) this is also my first character, please offer any help you can. javascript:emoticon(':D')
 
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Hello there! I'm glad that you've taken interest in the Lorath. I'm one of the co-creators of the Lorath and I'd like to give you a hand with your bio. There are only a few small issues, but so far you look like you're doing pretty good for this being your first.

First off, we have been meaning to get around to changing the title of the shaman caste in the CCG, the current title of the caste is "Lmanel" instead of Phoenix.

Second, some of your skills were copy pasted, for the most part it is okay, but add some personal flare for the character, allow us to get to know her better through her skills.

Third, there are some grammar errors which need to be addressed.

Fourth, currently there is little plot supporting a Lorath in the Yamatai space fleet, so you may have to wait a short while before our plot is moved enough so you could get on a Yamatai vessel. But don't worry, things should be moved along soon enough.

I'll let the other co-creator handle anything else she notices, but thank you for taking interest! ^_^ You're doing pretty good so far.
 
Hi there! I'm the other Lorath person ^_^ I'm here to help, so please feel free to message me with any questions about my suggestions.

First of on the skills, one yes they are copy and pasted. But at the same time, you need to have the right skills for the Shaman Caste. They are at the bottom of the original skills page, and they need to be used because they are specific to the caste.

Second, like Tomoe said, Grammar ^_^;

Some actually ALMOST got the name right first try! I need to add this to the CCG as well *sigh* The name is a little tricky. When it is approved, we will give you the first name. Your second name is spot on for what is needed! Great job! You were sorta on the right track for the third name. The third name is supposed to be symbolic for the character. Dependent on maybe the animal you bond too....Or something that resembles her! Look at the other Lorath to get a idea ((cept for tomoe.. <_<; ))

Next, the age. In truth you are saying that she is 15 years old, because Lorath age is the age you want them to be, times 2. So if you want her to be 30, her Lorath age would be 60.

For the employer, it would be the Lorath Self Defense Force, since we have yet to open up to the SA with people for jobs.

Like Tomoe said also, her personality could be a little better. She is a shaman, so yes music would influence her, but a bigger influence would most likely be nature, or her bonded animal.

You can take the Tech operation out, since Shamans don't deal with tech that much, not to mention we don't use Kessaku OS. Communication can be taken out as well, and the Fighting needs to be changed also.

Thats all I really see wrong with it ^_^ Like I said! If you need help, please feel free to contact either myself, Tomoe, Cora, or Tyler. Tyler would be a good bet, because he is the Llamnel head!
 
I've corrected a lot of your grammar.

Some of the core concepts need tweaking though - in particular the focus on parties and SA.
 
In response to DocTomoe's comments:

Thank you for commenting, the Lorath sounded so cool I just had to play one and it would be a great help if you could help me with a few things.

Sorry if I didn't get the name for the Shaman Chaste right, when I went through the character creation section it said Phoenix so I just used that.

I'm not extremely good at grammar so if it's not very good. Would it be ok if I could learn about the plot with the Lorath in the yamatai? If so where could I find out about it.

Thanks again!

Zakalwe Edit: Fixed the grammar!
 
Regarding JoMidori's comments:

Thank you for commenting!

Sorry I didn't get the name right! It was kind of confusing when I read the character section (not to be offensive it was written very well).

My grammar isn't all that good, neither is my spelling, I'll work on it!

Uhm ... about the age I kind of meant for her to look 20ish, so that would be 40?

I'll try harder to get the personality and habits right for the Lorath so i can change it!

Thanks again!

Zakalwe Edit: Got your grammar!
 
Pirate, if you have time, I am online right now on YIM. We can talk out the profile and any questions you have right now if you care to? My screen name is Harrikke
 
Try not to double post. It's bad for your karma.

Your nickname is sort of cumbersome. Anyway you could change it in the user panel for something less... well, long? People are going to truncate it and refer to you by calling you 'Spacebar'. *chuckles*
 
Kotori said:
Try not to double post. It's bad for your karma.

Your nickname is sort of cumbersome. Anyway you could change it in the user panel for something less... well, long? People are going to truncate it and refer to you by calling you 'Spacebar'. *chuckles*
How about your real first name? That's what I'd like everyone to use.
 
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